Unlocking the door to grief
Unlocking the door to grief
Dr Donald Macaskill, CEO, Scottish Care
The American singer and banjo player Joe Newberry recently wrote that:
“In my dad's last days, I asked the hospice nurse, an older woman from Alabama, "What is keeping him here? Why won't he let go?" She said, "Why honey, he's got the dementia. He can't find the door. When he finds the door, he'll be gone."
After he died, I sang "Lone Pilgrim" over him in the 2 a.m. darkness of his room. I turned around and saw that same nurse standing in the doorway. She came up to me, gave me a hug, and whispered, "He found the door."
Finding the door is not just the task of those who are dying it is also the search of those who seek to find meaning in life after someone that matters to them dies.
For too many doing the work of grieving and bereavement is like facing a locked door beyond which they cannot move. But unless they go through that door and are supported in their grieving then they will struggle to learn how to re-orientate their lives in a world without the deceased.
The UK Commission on Bereavement was established in 2021 to consider experiences of bereavement in the four countries of the United Kingdom, and to make recommendations for change. I was privileged along with Zara Mohammed from the Muslim Council of Great Britain to serve as a Scottish Commissioner. The Commission was independent of government and was supported by a steering group of leading charities. It published its report in October 2022.
Entitled ‘Bereavement is Everyone’s Business’ the final report is one of the most comprehensive explorations of the nature of bereavement within modern British society not least in the light of the Covid pandemic. It is rooted in the lived experience of many people including those who gave their time and inspirational insights as members of the Lived Experience Advisory Forum. It utilises extensive and original academic and population research and contains many practical insights on how we can improve things for those who are bereaved.
The Commission has made numerous recommendations and argues strongly for the need of society to see bereavement support as a public health issue. It also states quite clearly that we need to recognise that bereavement support should be seen as a basic human right such is its impact on our health and wellbeing. It also recognises the stigma and discrimination which those experiencing grief and bereavement still endure.
The recommendations for Scotland include that the Scottish Government must invest 79p per person in the population for transforming bereavement services over the next five years, with particular focus on better supporting Black, Asian and ethnic minority communities, those experiencing financial hardship and others who are poorly served; that all education establishments must have a bereavement policy, and provide opportunities for children and young people to learn about coping with death and bereavement as part of life; that all Scottish employers must work towards the National Bereavement Charter and that the National Care Service must commission tailored bereavement support and signposting.
These are laudable ambitions, but they will remain on the ‘to do list’ unless everyone who is concerned about grief and loss takes the time to agitate, advocate, campaign and show that bereavement is everyone’s business. The work of the recently held Bereavement Summit, co-ordinated by Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief has been a huge help in pointing us in the right direction.
As a Commissioner I heard too many instances of a lack of support or poor provision; of wholly inadequate training and resourcing for frontline health and care staff; of insensitive management of workers who were grieving; of a complicated and confusing funeral and benefit system; of individuals blocked in their grief and facing the terrible mental health consequences that can bring; of children not being supported, heard or even valued in the loss they were experiencing, and of so many hundreds struggling with the effects of grieving through Covid. The work of the Commission has only started – the door is only slightly ajar, there is much work to do before we can all of us, regardless of circumstance in Scotland, realise our human right to adequate bereavement support.
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