Death, dying and bereavement – some of the challenges for clergy

Death, dying and bereavement – some of the challenges for clergy

Rev Canon Dr Marion Chatterley, St Mary’s Scottish Episcopal Cathedral, Edinburgh

There is perhaps an assumption that members of the clergy are so familiar with matters of death, dying and bereavement that the challenges they bring are absorbed into the day-to-day rhythms of pastoral ministry. Of course, to some extent, that is true. But, in common with all areas of pastoral ministry, there is a wide range of experience, expectations and response. Conducting the funeral of an elderly person who had a gentle connection with the church is a very different proposition from taking the funeral of someone who had been a very regular and well-known figure within that same church. Sudden death brings different needs from anticipated death. Once someone becomes too ill to attend services regularly, even a slow and well-managed journey to death can leave those within the church who weren’t party to that journey feeling shocked and surprised. As a clergy person, one of your tasks is to deal with the fallout.

Let’s consider a couple of scenarios:

Peter is a 33-year-old man who is a member of a small church with a strong emphasis on community. He has been diagnosed with a treatable form of cancer. Unfortunately, he doesn’t respond well to the treatment and within months the prognosis is very poor. The challenges for his clergy and pastoral support team include: dealing with their own shock and distress; processing for themselves the idea that someone who is so young is dying; finding ways to support the rest of the community through that dying process; managing the desire of members of the community to see/say goodbye to Peter whilst, at the same time, recognising that Peter has limited energy which he needs to conserve for those closest to him. After Peter has died, there is an ongoing need for community support and care. In ordinary circumstance, this is a community where peer support is a cornerstone. In this situation, people are finding it very difficult to support others because they are so impacted themselves.

Sharon is a woman in her 70s. She has been a lifelong member of her large congregation. She is someone who is known to most regular attenders at the church – she makes a point of speaking to visitors and does a number of volunteer tasks. Sharon’s cancer diagnosis comes as a shock to her and to those who know her. She doesn’t ever manage to return to church. She is regularly prayed for, and a small number of people receive updates from her family, but when her death is announced it comes as a surprise to a great number of people. She has a large funeral which honours who she was in life. People speak for many months afterwards of the Sharon-shaped gap within the congregation.

Each of these scenarios presents particular challenges to the clergy person(s) tasked with pastoral care of those communities. In both situations, the clergy person is dealing with their own emotional response to the situation. But they will probably be helped to manage their own processing by virtue of the need to plan and lead a funeral service.

Funeral planning is often a good way into teasing out and processing some of the emotions that emerge. Funeral planning (ideally with the person before they have died) allows us to share important memories; to honour the areas of life that were most important for that person; to ensure that the funeral feels like a personalised service, focussing on that individual and the people closest to them. Funeral planning allows for tears and laughter; for an acknowledgement of what might not be said; for reflecting on life and faith and for sharing time prayerfully.

The best funerals incorporate time to grieve and time to give thanks. If they are Christian funerals, then they give space for a message of hope and a belief in eternal life. The best funerals allow the clergy person concerned to journey through their own grief process and to feel that they have some kind of closure on their engagement with that person.

It can be more difficult to find a way into conversations about mortality. People think that they want to have the conversation and then find numerous ways to avoid it. I have done training days for Faith in Older People based on the Death Café format.

Here are the questions I have used:

Appetiser:

What do I want people to remember about me?

What do I want people to forget about me?

What is my legacy?

Main course:

Where do I want to die?

What are my fears?

What are my hopes?

Dessert:

How do I stick with the difficult conversations?

How do I help others back to the tricky topics?

What do I do when I feel uncomfortable?

It is often by working through these questions/issues for ourselves that we become more confident in working through them with other people. My experience suggests that when we are confident to have the conversations that are necessary, we are able to create a safe enough space for that to happen. When people become chronically ill, they spend a lot of time as a patient. Medical professionals ask them questions on a regular basis. Those same medical professionals are the people who are in a position to prescribe treatments that may make a significant difference. They may also control access to other forms of support and care. As clergy/pastoral carers, we only have ourselves to offer. One thing we can bring is honesty. Our task is not necessarily to make people feel better, but it may be to initiate a conversation that leads to them feeling better. For instance, someone may be feeling very angry about their situation. There are probably few people they can have that conversation with. They may be trying to protect their loved ones from their feelings. We can offer safe space to say whatever is necessary; to explore whatever is of concern; to offer unconditional listening and response. We can find ways to use the language of reality – finding ways to talk about the changes that are occurring; speaking about the journey that the person is making; not being afraid to talk about death.
Framing the conversation within a language that speaks of chapters of life may be a helpful tool. That allows us to talk about what might be possible within this particular chapter, whilst acknowledging that some other options are no longer possible. It’s a way of grounding conversations in the here-and-now, of bringing a gentle reality check that can sometimes be liberating.
Clergy who have done some personal processing are best placed to offer support to others as they do their own processing. The end result can be days lived well and a journey towards a good death.