Bereavement Newsletter
Welcome to this special bereavement-focused edition of the Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief newsletter, produced in partnership with Faith in Older People.
Together, we wanted to explore recent developments relating to bereavement support in Scotland, with a particular focus on some of the support that communities, including faith communities, can provide.
We're delighted to be able to share several insightful blogs from those working in this area, as well as some informative updates about recent developments, and some of the resources and training available. We hope you find it useful.
Unlocking the door to grief
Dr Donald Macaskill, CEO, Scottish Care
The American singer and banjo player Joe Newberry recently wrote that:
“In my dad's last days, I asked the hospice nurse, an older woman from Alabama, "What is keeping him here? Why won't he let go?" She said, "Why honey, he's got the dementia. He can't find the door. When he finds the door, he'll be gone."
After he died, I sang "Lone Pilgrim" over him in the 2 a.m. darkness of his room. I turned around and saw that same nurse standing in the doorway. She came up to me, gave me a hug, and whispered, "He found the door."
Finding the door is not just the task of those who are dying it is also the search of those who seek to find meaning in life after someone that matters to them dies.
For too many doing the work of grieving and bereavement is like facing a locked door beyond which they cannot move. But unless they go through that door and are supported in their grieving then they will struggle to learn how to re-orientate their lives in a world without the deceased.
The UK Commission on Bereavement was established in 2021 to consider experiences of bereavement in the four countries of the United Kingdom, and to make recommendations for change. I was privileged along with Zara Mohammed from the Muslim Council of Great Britain to serve as a Scottish Commissioner. The Commission was independent of government and was supported by a steering group of leading charities. It published its report in October 2022.
Entitled ‘Bereavement is Everyone’s Business’ the final report is one of the most comprehensive explorations of the nature of bereavement within modern British society not least in the light of the Covid pandemic. It is rooted in the lived experience of many people including those who gave their time and inspirational insights as members of the Lived Experience Advisory Forum. It utilises extensive and original academic and population research and contains many practical insights on how we can improve things for those who are bereaved.
The Commission has made numerous recommendations and argues strongly for the need of society to see bereavement support as a public health issue. It also states quite clearly that we need to recognise that bereavement support should be seen as a basic human right such is its impact on our health and wellbeing. It also recognises the stigma and discrimination which those experiencing grief and bereavement still endure.
The recommendations for Scotland include that the Scottish Government must invest 79p per person in the population for transforming bereavement services over the next five years, with particular focus on better supporting Black, Asian and ethnic minority communities, those experiencing financial hardship and others who are poorly served; that all education establishments must have a bereavement policy, and provide opportunities for children and young people to learn about coping with death and bereavement as part of life; that all Scottish employers must work towards the National Bereavement Charter and that the National Care Service must commission tailored bereavement support and signposting.
These are laudable ambitions, but they will remain on the ‘to do list’ unless everyone who is concerned about grief and loss takes the time to agitate, advocate, campaign and show that bereavement is everyone’s business. The work of the recently held Bereavement Summit, co-ordinated by Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief has been a huge help in pointing us in the right direction.
As a Commissioner I heard too many instances of a lack of support or poor provision; of wholly inadequate training and resourcing for frontline health and care staff; of insensitive management of workers who were grieving; of a complicated and confusing funeral and benefit system; of individuals blocked in their grief and facing the terrible mental health consequences that can bring; of children not being supported, heard or even valued in the loss they were experiencing, and of so many hundreds struggling with the effects of grieving through Covid. The work of the Commission has only started – the door is only slightly ajar, there is much work to do before we can all of us, regardless of circumstance in Scotland, realise our human right to adequate bereavement support.
Reflections on dealing with grief and bereavement
Zara Mohammed, Secretary General, The Muslim Council of Britain, @ZaraM01
It’s hard to
forget those we lose and even harder to deal with that grief.
I recall during
the pandemic, a close friend of mine had to deal with the unexpected loss of
her father and whilst trying to process that grief, as a young person, she had
to deal with the burial quickly; the coroner, the mosque and all the other
logistics that come with a loved one passing. She told me that she only wanted
a hug and someone to help us through it.
Stories like this one are not exceptional; throughout my travels across the UK to visit Muslim communities I learned more about the challenges they faced with bereavement. Households that had lost generations of family had difficulty understanding what support was available to them because English was not their first language. The strain on family carers and the lack of trust and fear of going to the hospital not knowing what would happen. Never mind, coping with their grief with already strained services.
I also reflect on the amazing stories of faith communities rising to the challenge, providing that crucial pastoral care, a source of connection and comfort when there was no one else to talk to. I know how Muslim communities created bereavement services to fill the void of existing services and how mosques despite being closed to the public during the pandemic continued to provide essential help to those in need.
For Muslims, when a person passes, certain spiritual rites must be fulfilled, from burying the deceased immediately, carrying out the funeral prayer and passing condolences to the family. During the pandemic, we saw a disproportionate impact on ethnic communities, mainly Muslim communities. The first deaths of the pandemic were Muslim doctors and nurses on the front line. As we went on, we learned that due to factors like poor housing, latent health inequalities and lack of access to services, the death rate was higher for ethnic minorities.
This made the UK Commission on Bereavement work so important and why I became a commissioner for the report. The report looked broader than just the experiences of COVID19 but at the more comprehensive experience of grief, what was already in place and what needed to change. One of the report's key recommendations is to have a ‘national strategy’.
Looking at Scotland in particular, this national strategy would include a coordinated approach to delivering support services and a focus on improving access to services for those most vulnerable or at risk of isolation following a bereavement. The importance of a national strategy cannot be overstated, as it would provide a clear framework for providing bereavement support services and ensure that resources are directed where they are most needed.
Another important recommendation of the Commission is to improve the training and education of healthcare professionals in Scotland in relation to bereavement support. This is a vital area for improvement, as healthcare professionals are often the first point of contact for individuals and families who have experienced bereavement. By improving their knowledge and skills in this area, healthcare professionals can provide more effective support to grieving people, helping to reduce the risk of complications such as depression or anxiety.
The Commission's recommendations also highlight the importance of providing bereavement support services that are tailored to the needs of specific communities and cultural groups. This is a crucial area for improvement, as bereavement is experienced very differently across diverse communities. By providing culturally sensitive and appropriate support, individuals and families will receive the help they need to cope with their loss in a way that is respectful and meaningful to them.
It is so important that we get how we do bereavement right. We know so many people are dealing with delayed grief and processing the loss of loved ones. We also know just how comforting it can be when we can carry out the wishes of a loved one in the final parting of this world. That is why the work of the UK Bereavement Commission is vital to providing this framework, to take everyone through a journey in which all communities can access the support they need. I hope this roadmap can now be adopted by decision makers and really endorsed by service providers and broader communities. I hope that we can be proud of how we do grief, offering comfort and creating that society of compassion that we need most.
The Scottish Bereavement Summit
Rebecca Patterson, Director, Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief
Last October, over 130 people working within the bereavement sector in Scotland met online at the Scottish Bereavement Summit. The aim was that delegates could explore how to work together to improve experiences of bereavement in Scotland.
Three broad areas were up for discussion:
- Formal bereavement services: how can formal bereavement support services (which provide for example counselling and access to peer support groups) be strengthened and improved?
- Informal bereavement support: what can be done to support communities of all kinds (including workplaces, schools, families and neighbourhoods) to provide better informal support to people who have been bereaved.
- Health and social care staff who experience multiple bereavements: how can staff get the support they need at work.
Together, delegates took the opportunity to share their experiences of current challenges facing the bereavement sector, learn about recent publications on the subject, and discuss ideas and priorities for practical future action to improve bereavement experiences in Scotland.
Views were recorded and shared through a pre-conference survey, live digital questionnaire (Menti) and online flipchart (Padlet) during and following discussions.
The Bereavement Summit provided a chance for the bereavement community in Scotland to consider recently published reports/recommendations on bereavement issues including the Report of the UK Commission of Bereavement. It became clear that there is a growing consensus over what the key areas of focus should be in the future, and that the sector is keen to focus on how improvements can be achieved.
Summit discussions illustrated how those working within the bereavement sector can bring helpful insights into what kinds of changes might help and, more importantly, what might be do-able within the current environment.
They also provided helpful insights about what initiatives, projects and networks already exist that could be learnt from, built on or scaled up, rather than starting from scratch or duplicating what already exists. Delgates also provided valuable views on what areas should be priorities, how the ‘system’ can be improved, and what barriers exist.
These insights are been used to inform a Report and Recommendations which seek to reflect the Scottish context and experience and suggest practical ways of improving people’s experiences of bereavement in Scotland. The final report and recommendations is expected to be published in Spring 2023.
Further information
A recording and presentations from the Scottish Bereavement Summit is available here: https://www.goodlifedeathgrief.org.uk/news/news/bereavement-summit---outputs/
Becoming a more bereavement friendly workplace: the Bereavement Charter Mark
Rebecca Patterson, Director, Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief
Most people
want to be supportive when a colleague or employee is bereaved. But sometimes
it is difficult to know the right thing to do, and people worry about saying
the wrong thing.
Though paid
bereavement leave is important, being a bereavement-friendly workplace doesn’t
have to be expensive - a lot of it is about flexibility, sensitivity and good
communication.
The Bereavement Charter Mark for Employers in Scotland aims to support and motivate employers to make their workplace more supportive of bereaved staff.
Having the charter mark on your website demonstrates that you are working to make your community a place where people who are bereaved feel supported by the people around them. But first, employers must agree to meet at least three of the following criteria:
- All staff are informed that their organisation is endorsing the Bereavement Charter and given an opportunity to watch a couple of short educational films about bereavement.
- All managers within the organisation have read the "Resources for Managers, Colleagues and Employers' section of the Scottish Bereavement Friendly Workplaces Toolkit.
- Senior Management has developed/adopted a Bereavement Policy for the organisation. (The ACAS Example Bereavement Policy provides a useful guide.
- The organisation has set out ways that it will visibly promote more awareness of bereavement and bereavement support, for example through its website and social media channels.
- The organisation has/will develop and display a local workplace bereavement charter.
There are lots of practical resources available to support employers achieve the Bereavement Charter Mark, all brought together on the Scottish Bereavement-Friendly Workplaces Toolkit website. The toolkit includes information for colleagues, managers and employers, as well as for people returning to work after a bereavement themselves.
The Toolkit includes links to training, resources, films, good practice guidance and bereavement support organisations. There’s a leaflet giving some tips on the kind of things that a colleague can say or do to show support when someone is bereaved, and a checklist showing the various ways that an employer can create a supportive environment for bereaved staff.
Further information:
Bereavement Charter Mark for Employers: Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief :: the Bereavement Charter for Adults and Children in Scotland (goodlifedeathgrief.org.uk)
Grief in the workplace resources from Good Life, Good Death, Good Grief: https://www.goodlifedeathgrief.org.uk/about-workplace/
Grief Kind classes: video tutorials to help you support others with grief
Text has been adapted from the Grief Kind website.
Sue Ryder have published a series of five short video tutorials, to help people understand what grief can be like and how to support others who are grieving.
Class one: Is there a normal way to grieve?
In this first Grief Kind Class, Sue Ryder's bereavement experts answer a range of questions to help people get a basic understanding of grief.
Questions include: What does grief look like? Do men and women grieve differently? Do different cultures grieve differently? And what signs could signal that someone who is grieving might need more support?
Class two: What can you say to be Grief Kind?
This class provides advice on what to say – and what not to say – to someone who has been bereaved and is grieving. It also explores why listening is so very important when you're talking to someone who is grieving, and – crucially – what you should do if you feel like you've messed up and said the wrong thing.
Class three: What can you do to be Grief Kind?
Watch this class for advice on what to do to support someone you care about who has been bereaved and is grieving. It remind us that it's especially important to remember that everyone is different, and so what works for one person might not for another.
The video also contains experiences from people who themselves have been bereaved, sharing the support that they found most useful, which might help to give you some ideas of how you can support someone in your life.
Class four: How long does grief last?
In this Grief Kind Class, Sue Ryder's bereavement experts answer a range of questions to help you with answering this common question. Themes they look at include: How can you live with grief, and how can you help someone else to live with grief?
Class five: What can you do to be Grief Kind to yourself?
Being around someone who is struggling with grief, where you are doing lots of listening and supporting, can really take its toll. In this video, Sue Ryder's bereavement experts discuss how it is important for you to also look after yourself, as well as others, when you are in this supportive role.
They also look at where you might be able to find some extra help from, if you feel like you are struggling with the weight of supporting someone else with their grief.
More information
You can access the Grief Kind videos here: https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information/grief-kind/griefkindclasses
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